Paris "Io and my dream"

Alright I just just wrote a freak'in novel about Nepal, so I'll keep it short. Ahh so much to say, but I'll write more later, I just want to share one experience.

The night of June 19th: I went to a bar called The Pop-in. It is a very cool place, its owned by one of Devendra Banharts band mates, a groovy atmosphere and good music. I met a woman called Io, she is from New York and is traveling for a month around Europe. I'm choosing to share this experience because it had a strong impact on me and is on my mind today. When Io was 18 she was alone in the world, she had lived in Germany through out High School and is from New York city. She was in a place where she felt as though she did not belong any where and was also physically wandering the world alone. Io is a writer and a photographer and she is writing a novel now and is trying to recapture those feeling, the vulnerability that she felt at 18. Before I spoke to Io, I stared at her. I was being weird, but I felt very attracted to her. Maybe it was that was also American, but also something in her presence. We started to talk and she told me where she was traveling and I started to tell her about my journey. She was very interested as I happen to in such a similar place to the one that she is trying recall. She made me feel more aware of myself in this place. I've been growing and healing from wounds of the past, but I have focused on looking outward, into the world. She gave the advice to look inward and preserve my memory of this point in myself, and then told me that she was having a similar conversation with friend, whose living Colorado, and they both wished she would have done so. I told that was from Colorado and she was so surprised. It was like I needed to meet her at this exact point in my life and she needed the same. I think that reflection will actually help to experience and see more. Today I feel wide open. I have pain, fear, love, electricity all running through my body. I am awake and I am present. Io made me realize being a young woman, like she was and I am, alone in the world, its rare, this state of consciousness will change. Which is beautiful, but I must be present and I should do my best to preserve the memory of this place. We talked about where she is now, the future for me; she loves her life, but is not affected the same way by her experiences. Even if continue to travel and live loudly, I will never be as soft and vulnerable as I am today. Io and my connection actually got more weird, I started to tell her about the dream that I had, which was very very intense for me and put my into some pretty intense contemplation about where I am. In my dream I was on the metro and there was this insane accident, then somehow madness broke loose and six people had to survive while the rest needed to be killed off. So everyone was trying to kill each other and I was making my way through one train doing my best to survive and it so vivid, but under the ground it was a bit like India, there was one cart with a woman drinking milk (in India milk comes in bags) she was so creepy, she was like a cat and I had to kill her. Then the milk and blood mixed on the floor and bags of milk were scattered every where. This was the most intense and vivid part of my dream, the image of blood and milk mixing, and the first part I mentioned to Io. Then I snuck into and empty cart and rested for a minute, after I had been on this physically and emotionally intense killing spree, some stranger found me and told me that I was one of the six survivors. Next thing I new I was above ground again and the world was surprisingly very much the same as before this incident, but I was on my way to this office. The six survivors were now in business together as some sort of assassin. My friend Franky and my friend Travis were in the dream and were two of the survivors. I was still in shock about the path of my new life and my recent history. Travis was explaining to me that in life we choose our paths, and we have to create our existence by what we are given and that our strength had brought us to this point. I had a choice to die or survive, knowing that I would would be changed forever. He, like me chose to live and face the madness everyday. Travis was being so blunt about the fact that I was a straight killer and Franky was trying to calm me down saying this is the path that I am on and now, I had no choice. I now must except it and find peace in my new life of madness. They both offered different idea's of how I had gotten to where I was, is it my choice or are we affected by the universe and can only choose the way that we are changed/react. Io told me that when she was 18 she wrote a play write called "Mothers Milk", and themes were based around that image of blood and milk. I don't know why I told her about the dream, it was not so much about preservation and acceptance of a piece of time, but how how one comes to their present place. At ant rate it made our connection feel more intense and is making look for the connections now. I may never see Io again, but I am grateful to have met her and have started this movement into new thought and awareness.

Nepal

I spent about three weeks in Nepal after India. I arrived in Katmandu on May 4th, shortly after my arrival I found a hotel. The Poon Hill Inn is near the center of Thamel, it is tucked away from the street and has two beautiful gardens. The people were full of life and all passing through Katmandu to go on one adventure, or another. I immediately met someone one to help me set up a trek, and impulsively did it. I was in Katmandu for three hours and already had plans to head into the mountains the very next day. The man who set up the the trek was friends with the owner of the hotel, who I would come to know very, and he was there by chance while I was checking in and I was talking about wanting to go trekking during my time Nepal. We set up the trek and I met the man who was to be my guide. I was to embark on a seven day journey through the Lang Tang mountain range the very next morning. That night there was a party at the hotel and I was totally welcomed by people from all over the world, mostly Japanese and Nepalese. I had a beautiful connection and very interesting conversations with man. Kamal, happens to lead what is probably the most interesting life of anyone I know. After flying, drinking local whiskey, and planning an intense adventure, I was exhausted, I went to sleep around 11:30, but awoke at 3:30 am, and couldn't fall back to sleep. I was excited, nervous and in such an interesting situation. I went down to the hotel lobby, to see if I could possibly find internet access....I knew my mother would be terribly worried if I had left on a seven day trek and didn't tell her and had no contact. In the lobby I found Kamal still up, he couldn't sleep either, he let me use the hotel computer and made me a cup of wonderful Nepalese tea. We talked and played cards for a couple hours and I went back sleep around 6:00. I was suppose to leave for the trek at 8:00 am, I woke frantically at 7:49, I was trying to get my things together and I didn't even know what I was bringing. Then there was a knock on my door, Kamal said that my trek would be delayed and I would leave around 9:15 or 9: 30. So I still very quickly, but without stress got myself ready.
I went down stairs and Kamal was waiting for me. He said something along the lines of, "I've been wanting to get out of the city lately and I use to be a full time guide, so if its okay with you I'll be taking you on this trek not the other guide". I was so excited. I had developed a total crush on him that the night and during our quiet early morning. So after breakfast we set off, both of us were sleep deprived and I was lacking any adjustment to the new climate and elevation. The first day was ruff. We drove to the edge of the road and there were stairs, literally miles of stairs, going through villages and leading to the entrance of the National Park. The majority of the first day was all stairs, it was still beautiful, but harsh. Then once you enter the National park the beauty is breathtaking. We arrived at our first destination at dusk, while trekking we stayed at tea houses along the way. This village was pretty civilized and so beautiful, from here there was the best view, I could see the peak of Everest in the morning time. Kamal seemed to know many people along the way, he knew the people who ran this guest house and we had local treatment. In the evening it poured rain and we had a beautiful night. Kamal and I learned about one another, and this why I can say that he leads such an interesting life. He is fluent in five languages, he is the owner of poon hill inn, which I didn't realize and he has business in Austria and Japan, he also has the ability to drop everything else and be a guide for week.
The next day's terrain was the most difficult, but it felt much easier to me than our first day, it was so beautiful and trekking is an amazing way to experience Nepal. I trekked through all these little villages. Sometimes on the most intense terrain I saw school children walking to and from school, something so magical and difficult for me is part their every day routine. Those mountain people are so strong.
One night we stayed in craziest place, a beautiful farm on top of a mountain, with a shitty room, run by a mad woman and her family. They were all drinking, even the young children, Me and Kamal stayed in a nasty room and they served wild boar for dinner. Kamal tells me that I would think they were even more crazy if I could have understood them. It was a full moon that night and we sat outside and watched the stars, Kamal, myself and all the farm animals.
The next day we did two days of trekking in one day, but Kamal wanted to take me to a village where his great friend runs the Lama hotel. She was an older woman and spoke very little english, but I could feel her warmth. Kamal's mother died when he was a child and he met this woman when he was 17, he said she is one the the closest things to a mother that he has.
We stayed in Nagarkot on our last night and what can I say except, it was beautiful, unexplainable, like my entire journey. On our last day we hiked to a temple on the top of a mountain, it was so peaceful. We spent a long time in silence there, I just took in my experience and it was the perfect way to end the trek.
While I was in Katmandu I went to most of the temples. The Monkey Temple, which is at the highest point of Katmandu, I could the whole city from there, and even though its become a tourist destination the monks and spiritual people who worship there preserve the true feelings of the place. Then, in the Pashupati holly area I actually had a very spiritual experience. I arrived and it started to pour rain so I found cover in a small temple among many in the area. There were a few other travelers, some local people and a Baba. While I was in India any local man with a camera asked to take a photo of me, so by the time I got to Nepal I was more than fed up. So I'm sitting in this temple an there are two creepy men secretly, but not so slyly taking photo's of me. I was trying to cover my face and becoming upset, but somehow I found peace in the Baba's face, him and I spoke little in Hindi, but I don't know enough to have a conversation and its also his second language, so our communication was almost telepathic. When the rain stopped I left to explore the area. Before long the Baba came to find me with someone to translate a conversation between us. I told where I was from and said he wanted to go to America, I said come stay with me. Then he told me that he came to find me because he saw a beauty in my my eyes, but wanted to know if I was ok, because they were overwhelmed with sadness. I was taken back, to have a holly man say something so profound to me. I think he was referring to the anger I must have had in my eyes because of those men, and I told him about it. He then told me that he saw me as having a gift and strength, true connection to the universe, I would not be affected by vanity and selfishness of men like that. I went on alone, but thought about him. He had God in his eyes and I kept thinking about him and what he said as I went through these beautiful temples. Then on my way out I saw him again, no translator, but I told him that I saw god in his eyes and he understood. He grabbed his bag and was coming with me, in that moment he was entirely ready to drop that life and be on a new journey with me. At first I didn't know what he was doing and I walked alone, but he was following me, we found someone again to translate for us and he told me I'm going with you. I wanted him to, really, but I knew it was totally illogical, even if I spent time with him in Nepal he couldn't really come back with me. I will always remember him though and those profound words. He was called Pinot, I will always remember those eyes.
Kamal and I became very close, so for the rest of my time in Nepal he worked very little and spent his time with me. One day he took me fishing just outside of Katmandu, and every night we had dinner. Usually we would make dinner together, he taught me how to cook Nepalese food. I went to most of the Temples with him. I loved staying there and spending my time with him. When I wasn't out exploring I was in the kitchen or sometimes even looking after the reception desk. Kamal also gave me my new, weird, but very rad hair cut. I miss Kamal and have stayed in contact with him thus far. We had something special, which couldn't last, but I will always have him as friend and can always go back to Nepal. I hadn't even left and he was planning my next trip, so I will definitely be spending more of this life in Nepal. After spending so much time in India working and feeling so heavy, so maternal, and feeling this overwhelming sense of my purpose in life, Nepal made me feel very free and young. It was a wonderful experience, I actually extended my time time there instead of spending more time in India.

Some thoughts on these effects I'm feeling....

I have been in India for over six weeks now, and have decided to extend my time here. The closer I come to leaving the more I dread leaving the children, I did not expect to let myself become attached, but I believe that it has happened. As much as I have changed and grown is as much they are a part of me. I can only hope that in these few months my effect has been half of what theirs is on me. I am leaving from Delhi on May 16, instead of May 3. I am going to spend the last two weeks of my time in India traveling around, I am considering some different options, but have not finished planning my trip. I would like to go to the North to Himachal, or far East and into Nepal. I think that I will choose the later, because it will enable me to see more of India, and well I've always wanted to go to Nepal. This would send me through Pushkar, Varanasi, Darjeeling, then Katmandu, from there I would fly to Delhi, and the fly to Paris from there on the 16th. My plans are very loose, so I am looking for advice on where I should go.

My time at the orphanage is coming to a close, I have been reflecting on my experiences and about these children. I started here being petrified by the way that the children were treated and by the conditions in which they live. Through time I still find myself angered by there mistreatment and lack of resources, but I started to see the beauty much more clearly. I know that the women who work at the orphanage need to have a tough skin. They live there life's seeing children who have lost love and if they they have too much love for them they also risk a world of hurt and loss. So to find the balance which they live on would be very difficult to achieve. They love the children, but are quickly prepared to let go. It is this aspect that I have the most admiration for them, and strive to be able to inflict change in these types of places by having such strength. I feel pain when I think about the skewed ideas of punishment and the darkness that fills the life of these children. Between the age of 0 to 7 the children only go outside once or twice a year. Unless they go to school, which only a few have that luxury. Most of them, even if they are of age, don't attend school. The punishment I am talking about is the use of hitting. These children have been punished so often in this way that it is very difficult to get them to listen to any other form of discipline. Some of the women, the other volunteer and myself hate the idea of hitting a child, but we have all been in the position where it becomes the only option. I feel that those women who are in the orphanage more permanently and show the children love with out abuse, they are making a huge difference in the orphanage and in the children's life. I feel that with more time, and more Hindi, I could do the same. Since I don't have that I can just let this be a lesson and vision into my future. I think that the children are misbehaved and beyond wild because of these aspects in their life, which I despise. They are however happy, they live with all this pain from their past, in the present, and to continue in their future, but the keep a measure of real happiness. The women show them an unorthodox love and volunteer's like myself pop into there life's for short periods to give the affection. Somehow this becomes enough, along with the companionship of their peers. They don't expect to lead extravagant lives, but will be happy with the ability to live. This is beautiful. These are the people in the world who I want to work to better their lives. Even with all of their setbacks, a chance at education would be so huge for these kids, also to reform the mistreatment that becomes so natural for good women to inflict. These thing seem so small in our world, but I am learning that our world is very removed from the real world. I wanted to help and see to the world, but two months ago I did not expect that this trip would turn into a scream for change, that I might actually be able to make heard. So this has changed, my goals for the future. I can feel it being created here and will spread though nations. Hopefully I do have the ability in which I imagine myself having and can one day have real resources.

the orphanage

I want to be honest and real about my experience, I hope that everyone appreciates it, and I apologize in advance if anything is hard to read. First of all I would like to state my admiration for these children, and to tell you all how much joy they have brought me. The orphanage smells terrible, like pee and sick dogs. The children do not wear diapers or any sort of underwear, there is a completely different standards of what is appropriate and clean. Some of the older children are potty trained and even most of them lack manner, they will take of their pants and run to the bathroom or pee in the hallway, the younger children and physically disabled will just go and there is often not enough clothing, especially in the correct size, to change them. When the children poop themselves they wipe them with their dirty pants, their is no real care for their cleanliness or health. When they are bathing the children, they clean them in a cold bucket of soapy water and rinse them with a hose, they are all dried with the same rough towel and dressed from a pile of clothing on the floor, they share all the clothes and are rarely dressed appropriately. Some of the older kids, if given a chance, will pick clothing that is well suited for them, but most of the children are given clothes that don't fit. There are four children who cannot walk, not including those who have the ability to learn. These children are carried from room to room, and put on the floor, no wheelchairs. We do spend a little time each day working on physical therapy, only with two of the four, they will cry, and usually want badly to give up. The physical therapy is done in the same hallway that all the children play and the embarrassment makes it more difficult for them to take it seriously. The children cannot go outside and they spend most of their time in this one hallway, where they play and fight over few broken toys and pieces of plastic. On several occasions I have had to take pieces of cellophane, or plastic bags away from the children, they will be chewing on it or even putting bags over their heads. The women who I work with are mostly kind, but with an overly strong hand. The children are always hit and yelled at. It is very difficult having such an intense language barrier, I have yet to learn but a few words in Hindi, and despite what I had heard nobody at the orphanage speaks English. Sometimes I see the children getting punished for another's mistake. Today one of the smallest children was robbed of her banana, and when she cried and tried to take it back one of the women smacked her to the ground, Acheala is no older than two. The woman who did this is very cruel to all the children, and the only one in whom I see no love. They all hit the children though, even the youngest of the children. There is one child who is blind and has terrible fits, there is little to calm him, sometimes nothing works. I'll sing to him or rub his belly and back, which he loves, but he is treated as though he is completely stupid. I see him react to music and stories though and can tell that he is intelligent for his age, just tormented by his world. There are four children that get to go to school, they are the only ones who are of age and have no mental or physical ailments, one of which, Leela, I have fallen completely in love. She is so smart and tries to help with all of the other children, she is always dancing and showing me things that she can draw or does in school. I see other children who are smart enough, but deprived the luxury of going to school. I still do not know all of the names, it is difficult to learn them, when they do not understand my terrible Hindi and cannot understand english, but we are getting there. This has been a very heartening and challenging experience, but I am grateful for the chance to know these children. It is extremely hard to know that there is no way to give them a new path to travel and to try to except the way of life in the orphanage. I love everyone of them, and have much more to say, i'll write again soon.

Day 2 & Day 3

March 10 was the first day of a two day holiday called Holi. I had not yet get to gone to the orphanage. The story behind Holi is this: there was a Demon, and he had a wish, he wished not to die in this place and that....until he listed most places in the universe. He had a sister, on his side and a son who worshiped Vishnu...so the sister and the Demon wanted to kill the son, but every time that they came close Vishnu would save him...then the sister said that the Demon should take him into the fire and the Demon would be protected because of his wish, but the son would die....but by a twist of fate the Demon died. This is the short version of a long story, but you get the just. So on the first night of the holiday there is a big bonfire and more somber mood...the next day however there is a celebration and everyone has these different colors of powdered die. People come up to you and say "happy Holi" as they put it on your third eye center and your cheeks...but also there are these massive wars with the color, by the end of the day everyone is covered in layers of color. It was a lot of fun..there is also a feast and festival with live music. It is so beautiful.

This is not my photo, but it gives an idea of what Holi looks like.

Day 1

I arrived in Delhi at 3:30 am on March 9th, I had expected the city to be asleep but to my surprise it was still alive. When I landed I saw the sky filled with smoke and stepped into the new climate; I was overwhelmed with the smell of smoke, trash, and warm musky air. I was picked up from the airport by Amita and Prany, who have become my family while I am here in India. We set out on the six hour drive to Jaipur. During the first hour of the drive we roared with speed through the desert road but along the road,  on the opposite side, we saw three accidents. Each was an enormous decorated bus that had tipped into the middle of the road. After a short distance we were stopped by the worst traffic jam that I have ever seen. All the cars were driving on the same side of the road and the the street had lost any sense of order. Busses, motorbikes, and cars were all sounding there horns, which each had a different tone, in hopes that it would make some difference in moving the cars ahead of them. It seemed like miles of cars at a stand still in front of us. Our driver moved to the shoulder which was even backed up and traffic moving in all the wrong directions across the road. After two hours of barley moving traffic we started to move again, now the sun was starting to rise. We drove through several small villages on our way into Jaipur, along the road were huts with shops and people sleeping on the side of the road. There were camel carts and women carried baskets atop their head. When I arrived in Jaipur things were in the same manner at a larger scale. The streets are full of madness with cows and camel pulling carts along side cars, bikes, motorbikes and rickshaw taxi's. When I arrived at my new apartment I went to sleep and woke up to realize that none of what I had seen was a dream. I was/ am in India.